Just Once...

Just once I would like to be looked at as a WOMAN.  A woman who hurts, who is human and has human emotions.
Just once I would like to be able to react to something without people thinking I'm crazy or over reacting.
Just once I would like to be treated as someone who fucking matters.
Just once I would like to not be put on the back burner to be used whenever the mood suits.
Just once I would like to be someone's absolute #1.
Just once I would like someone to see that I give my all.
Just ONCE I would like for someone to care enough to SHOW ME they care.
Just ONCE I would like for someone not to fucking play with my head.
Just ONCE I would like to not be taken advantage of.
Just ONCE I want someone to understand MY SIDE of shit.
Just ONCE I want someone to really understand.
Just ONCE I would like for someone not to use pathetic excuses to explain away their behavior.
Just ONCE I would like for something to turn out RIGHT.
Just ONCE I would like for a plan to go AS PLANNED.
Just ONCE I would like to understand men. Just one damn time.
Just ONCE I would like to think about me, and not be jumped on for it.
Just ONCE I would like to be allowed to be just a bit selfish without being called a crazy bitch.
Just ONCE I would like to feel like i'm worthwhile.
Just ONCE I would like to not feel like just a fucking trophy.
Just ONCE I would like someone worthwhile to find ME worthwhile.
Just ONCE I would like to be seen as ME. Not as a house keeper, a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter. A Niece, an aunt, a sister, just as ME - Jordan.
Just ONCE I want to be loved for that person I am.  Flaws and all.
Just ONCE I would like for my protectiveness to be seen as a redeeming quality.
Just ONCE if someone says they feel a certain way, to allow that to change things for the better.
Just ONCE I would like for a certain someone not to be a little bitch and man the fuck up.
Just once I would like for people not to use me as a stepping stone to get somewhere better.
Just once... I want someone to tell me "There is no one better than you."
Just once... I'd like to feel like I'm the right person for someone without being made to feel guilty for it.
Just one... I'd like for someone to tell me "I'm lucky to have you feel this way." and DO SOMETHING with it.

I may not have ink on papers yet, however, I am a woman.  I am human.  I have human wants, needs, desires.  despite almost being a divorce', I do still love.  I do still want, and I WILL still protect what I feel is MINE. Even if what I feel should be mine says I do not have a claim.  I have one alright.  It came the night you told me what you told me.
I live my life now as if I have no tomorrow.  Because I don't know where I'll be, or WHO I'll be tomorrow.  I feel a shift coming, a shift in the entire damn universe.  is it so wrong to want to live for the moment and not hold shit back or "Wait" because the other person is too fucking scared.  What's wrong with "Carpe Diem"?

I am just so so very tired of everything lately.  I hate I cannot attend Romanticon this year.  Plans I HAD to originally keep me from going may have fallen through and I REALLY want to attend. but because of everything else going on in my life and no word about getting published, there is no way I can afford it.

I am just tired.

Just once, I'd like to not dread the next day for fear of what it may bring.